The sexless Wife, the sad husband
I want to say that I do not know everything. In fact, I don't want to even pretend that I know everything. I don't blog to show other women how perfect I am. How I've got it all together. How I'm the one to come to when you need advise. I like most women, have questions. Questions about God, life, children, marriage, money, and success. I like most women scour the internet in search of concrete answers that will help me become a better person. Sadly, sometimes I don't find what I'm looking for.
I have another website, that talks about marriage specifically, but I decided to post this conversation here. I think that, this issue of sex/no sex, has a lot to do with us as individuals, perhaps a bit more than simply fulfilling the duties of being a wife. As I and my husband cross the three year mark of marriage, I question whether we should've gotten married. Why we got married in the first place. And the results of that inquisition aren't all pretty.
My friends that know me, know that marriage was never a top priorty on my list. As a rule, I could date when I was 16, however I didn't date until freshman year of college. And yes, those relationships were flops. I had my first kiss at 18, only to decide that, I couldn't believe that I'd waited that long for something so terrible. He was all over my face, it was wet, sloppy, disusting. After that I tried to keep my lips to myself. I believed that kissing was overrated, so sex probably was too. Although I'd been rasied on the Christian principle of "waiting until marriage", I did, a bit reluctantly, start having sex at 22. I say reluctantly, because, I was tired of men, not sticking around because I wouldn't hae sex with them. Seriously, is it THAT important? Apparently so, because even the men that I considered marrying, left me for another woman that would, " meet their needs." So I began having sex. Afterall, who wants a girlfriend tha actually cares about you? One that encourages you, helps you, that your family likes? Apparently no one that I dated in my youth. I had sex, just for the pure satisfaction of the act. I didn't ask how their day went, about their momma or children, their plans for the future. Those men didn't want to marry me either. So they didn't want me, permanently, if I cared nor if I didn't. I decided that, perhaps, my original idea of staying single was the best idea. I did however learn that all sex wasn't equal. Every man, wasn't able to satisfy me. In fact, I was often left wanting more. I'm glad that I didn't marry them, we weren't equal in anyway.
So I concentrated on me. Building my business, being happy, hanging out with friends, until the big 25 peeked it's head around the corner. My mother was married at 19, and both my grandmothers were married around that time. Most of my aunts were at least on their first marriage by 20. I was behind. Did I want to surrender and submit to some guy? All because the Bible said that was my duty in life? Yuk! I hate duty. I really do. It takes the joy out of life- having to do something for no other reason except that I must. Family asked about boyfriends, marriage, children. I pushed them aside, saying that I was, " waiting on God", " taking my time" in reality I had not interest in it . If men only wanted whores, a whore was what I'd be. Why care about them, when they don't want to be cared for or about? It wasn't until 25 crept and a date rape situation, caused me to reconsider. And no I didn't report it. I didnt even know the guys' real name. I didn't want my parents to know I was having sex. And I didn't want anyone to know that I'd been that stupid. Perhaps for other women, they feel like victims. Not I. I know very well I put myself in that situation, and I got myself out and never saw him again. In fact, I stopped having casual sex. It was much too dangerous for my blood. It was too great a risk. A few months later I started dating this older guy. That was a flop too. I thought that it might be a hit. But I just would've been sad. He seemed more interested in being a "sugar daddy" than an actual relationship. I wish him the best, but that wasn't for me.
Three months before the beginning of my 25th year, I cut all ties with all men. I rededicated my sexuality to God, and prayed for the deliverance of my husband. Three months later, I saw him. I came into work and there he was. The spirit of God said, " that's you right there." And yes, I liked what I saw. It was weeks before we actually talked. He simply came over to my department during closing and introduced himself. No crazy talk. No jokes. No nervousness. Just a simple introduction. Two months went by and he hadn't asked me for my number, so I gave it to him. He called me that night. I was so excited!! We talked on the phone, sometimes 3 way with his cousin on the other end, for at least another month. It was good clean fun. I was finishing my Associates degree and dually attending classes for my Bachelors, working part time in retail and building my Childcare business. I was glad that he didn't pressure me to go out or anything, I was just too busy to date.
Fast forward to me spending so much time at his house that I wrote him a letter saying we should just get married. I set the date, 3 years in the future. We had a son the following year. I think that's when the trouble started. I didn't like everything that was going on in our relationship, but, as a human, I chose to understand what was going on. Others didn't see it that way. I was told at every conversation, in emails, IM's, text, and on social media that I was going to hell for living with a man that wasn't my husband. We were betroth...you know like Mary and Joseph. They bugged the mess outta me. Including my parents. I tried to stay away from my parents. Which was hard to do because that meant I couldn't spend time with my younger siblings either. Even when the wedding date came up, I don't think either of us were truly ready, but I went ahead and dragged him along. We weren't even going to invite our parents. But an older lady advised us that we should.
So here we are, three years later, 2.5 children later, and I question. Did I do the right thing? Sure in the eyes of God and nosy family and friends I
did. But did I do the right thing for us? Sometimes I'm not so sure. Things weren't perfect, but at least we were happy. Things still aren't perfect, but we have found that we aren't happy. Especially him.
We have many things in common, but our sex drives aren't one of them. Because, up until we got married, we were never truly exclusive, I had no idea that his was so high. I just thought he was being a whore. And because he was supplementing, he didn't know mine was so low. I can say that even when I am horny, it never last for more than 10 minutes, so if I don't have sex right then, the desire goes away. Often until the next day, or the next few days. I don't even know at what point in my day I'd have time and energy for sex. I do 90% of the house work and childrearing. I do 40% of the business work. Plus, I'd like to sleep. Even if I awoke at 4:30a and didn't get to bed until well after midnight I'd still have no time for sex. And like a crazy person, I've decided to go back to school to work on earning my Bachelors. My husband has been diagnosed with Adult onset epilepsy. Which means more than just he'll have a seizure. it means that we basically have to spend 24/7 with one another, because he could have a seizure while sitting, standing, driving, anything, any time. What does that mean for me? Yes, even more work.
I'm not complaining. This is my life. But it certainly isn't easy. Then when I go to the internet for answers the internet comes back at me and says, "suck it up", " be thankful your husband wants so much sex", and the worst, " be Peggy Bundy, stop trying to do and be your best and put pleasure first."
I don't know what the answer is. Haven't a clue. Men's ego, self-confidence, pride and worth are insanly tied into sex. Mine isn't. I don't need sex to prove that I'm awesome, that I'm great, that I'm loved. My love languages are totally different. What I do know is that there's got to be a win-win to this. I love my husband and he loves me. And that's were we're going to start.
